Slump in W19 of 2025
I am writing this on the night of 9th May, 2025. The past couple of days have not been fine. I have been misaligned.
Here’s what I wrote to my partner a couple of hours ago:
i feel like breaking my keyboard because my evening was really shitty. If i don’t stream, i end up talking to people and doing stuff, procrastinating. that’s fucking bad. i don’t like it. i didn’t do anything. even the things i love. i harmed myself today by not doing anything. i don’t want that. i hate that. i want to break something now. i want to cry. i don’t like this. this is not me. this is not what i would’ve done. but i did. i am tired. i am dissatisfied. and upset. and guilty. i loathe myself.
As you can see, I was pretty sentimental.
But what happened exactly?
I could not study / read / do what matters after I ended my stream. This has been going on for the last two or three days.
I end up chatting with my friends, procrastinating and watching Dungeon Soup, or whatever. I am just not satisfied.
There are two things I can understand about myself from this:
- I have become much depended on my study-with-me livestreams.
- I enjoy having fun with my friends and talking with them. I enjoy being social.
- I like fiddling with something or the other and find new things out.
These are not too bad on their own, but often times, they are scattered. And I don’t like that. They destroy every bit of structure that can be.
Which brings me to this: I like having structure. And that is both a curse and a boon.
How can I repair this?
I can either wait for my new laptop to arrive, so that I can stream indefinitely, binding me to a schedule I cannot disobey.
Or I can stop being social on the time period which triggers the slump. I can schedule social time to avoid any deficit.
Let’s hope for the best. I can do better. I am inevitable.