Mar 12, 2024

so, what now?

emptiness and getting back on track

The moment I had been waiting for, is finally here. My exams ended yesterday (11th March), and now I have been successfully freed from my cage and put into a bigger one!

I had been fantasizing for this moment for so long, "Oh yeah, it would be so good I can't wait!". Yet, now I feel empty. I feel purposeless. I miss those inner conflicts and mental breakdowns. Classic example of Stockholm Syndrome.

I am satisfied with the end. It was tragic yet amiable. I was both happy and sad at the same time. Not so long ago, I was furious and angry at myself for not being able to study, pointing out the very fact that exams are good for nothing. But I had found a purpose (yes finally.)

At the end of February, I had made up my mind that I would start doing those James Scholz-style Study-With-Me livestreams on YouTube. I was aware of the Hawthorne Effect and I thought to try it out. And surprisingly, it went well.

What I discovered was more than being accountable to the viewers. I felt that I was helping people. Helping them focus, helping them not feel alone. Board exams are kind of overhyped in India, so millions of students every year feel stressed out. They go through inner conflicts and mental breakdowns too. It was great to talk to many people (most of them trolls, btw), and improve my communication skills. Speaking in front of a camera is a skill one should have (before they go on to the stage?)

That's what made me a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. Is being helpful counter-productive? Well, at least now I know that I like making content on video and just talking to people about the stuff that I talk about here and on my newsletter.

Btw, my exams went well ;)

It's time to reset my priorities and sort out my long bucket-list.

What I am chasing now is new experiences, new perspective to see this world and some cold hard facts that'll make me humble. And I know some things might not work, but I am willing to try them all out.

I have almost three-months spare to do a lot of things. I'll finally finish reading my TBR and get over my writer's block. I'll finally revamp my Personal Knowledge Management system. I'll finally dedicate more time to myself, my family and my friends. Some trips and travels and a romanticist approach to life.

I was reading this amazing article by Robin Waldun, it had a line:

"If we ever lose the giddiness when we notice something new, can we still call what we’re living life?"

Oh no, no, we need that. We need to feel giddy, we need to feel the emotions that arise from it. We need to observe and experience. Down with monotonous-ness of modern life.

“Just now, as I raced across the street, stomping in the mud to get through that chaos in motion where death gallops at you from all sides at once, my halo slipped off my head and onto the filthy ground… And then I said to myself, look for the silver lining. I can now walk around incognito, doing whatever nasty things I like, indulging my vices just as lesser mortals do. And here I am, just like you, as you see!”
-Charles Baudelaire

The silver lining is that I can do whatever I want now. Struggle, feel the pain, remember the absurd, and have a great time with my life. I am now getting back on track.

Another change, another thing to be grateful for.