My dog talks to me
could you really believe this person?
Yes, my dog talks to me. And he says things like "aww hell nahhh" and "no, fuck you!". He has been doing this for a couple of months now, and he says mostly these words (I've been counting): fuck (126 times), hell (65), nahh (68), lmao (200), you (178), bruh (54). I can't quite fathom why he says "bruh" the least, even though I say that word a lot. I think I expected him to mimic me or something, I guess I wanted him to be like me. I've had Spiegel (that's his name) for 8 years now. And I thought that we had established a connection apart from matching sleep schedules and eating patterns (no I don't eat dog food). But seeing that he doesn't use the word "bruh" as often as I do, makes me feel betrayed, violated and even ashamed! What have I not done for him! What have I not given him! Yet he proceeds to torment me with his poor choice of words!
Let me tell you about an incident that happened a couple of days ago. I returned from school, and as usual, Spiegel was sleeping on my bed. When I went near to pet him, he growled and said, "Now, why the fuck would you ruin my sleep?" And of course, as you'd expect, I was taken aback! How dare he talk to me like that! But I was too shaken to reply, so I slipped to the other room.
Now that I think of it, I think he might've had an awful childhood. I mean, we grew together and we fought a lot (the way you'd fight with your brother or sister). He didn't get much formal training per se, and picked up traits from the family. That is, shouting, fighting, growling and so on. You can only pick up so many things from a dysfunctional household.
But how can he speak? And why does he only speak to me? At first I thought I was imagining things, because neither of my parents had witnessed anything. Am I in a simulation? Is is all real? No, I don't ask me that. I mean, I am not too sure... ummm.. I trust my senses... kinda... but... it all seems soo.... surreal... Like something out of a Murakami book... I could rationalise all this and blame it on drugs or shrooms, but I didn't take any!
So how should I go on about rationalising this? Should I scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ONNN" or should I just come to terms with all of this? Well, if I go on with the first route, I might end up in an asylum, so that is out of the question. Hmm, so I am left with an odd choice of accepting all this ridiculously unbelievable story. Perhaps you and I are on the same page here. NO!!!! I am not raving! You're wrong to accuse me like that! My dog actually talks to me. In fact, let me tell you another incident to make you believe me.
Alright, so Spiegel hates firecrackers. I think all dogs do. But anyway, there was one time I bought home some of those small firecrackers and started to burst? them with my friends. I can still remember Spiegel's contemptuous eyes on me when I sat at the dinner table. The next day, I found dog shit in my cereal. Yea, no shit, genius, it was Spiegel! It was his revenge!
"It was his revenge!" That's how his letter ended. Abruptly. I don't have any reaction to this. He's been like that all his life. Doctor said it's some kind of "complex psychopathological condition", not sure what that means. But I think he's getting more aware of that.
He's surely creative, don't you think? I mean he doesn't even have a dog and he managed to conjure such a story! That's what I like about that boy. He is really good with a pen. I'd even say that he could someday become like that crazy, depressed Czech writer.
Ooh imagine all the fame! And he's too dumb to care for money! Ooh I must take care of this boy! Imagine all the money I can get out of him if I just become a "good friend"! Heh heh! Now that is a great idea!
(The so-called friend rushed over to his so-called friend's house to see him hanging from the ceiling. He felt sad not for his so-called friend but for the money that he thought he had rights to.)
Wait, if you think that the suicide was too abrupt and nonsensical, you're absolutely right! Whoever wrote this story (well, story of a story) is a genuine pain in the ass! He makes such contradictory statements, leaves a lot of loopholes and there's no substance whatsoever!
I must say you've wasted your time reading this, and so did I. No, I will not console you; I am too angry at the moment. I suggest you find something else to read and forget about this farce. Oh such arrogance!