Sep 9, 2025

Flight Club

Tips and Tricks from a half-empty attaché case

I met a half-empty attaché case on a flight to Kuberstan. He was sitting on the window seat next to me. He let me have the armrest for myself, which I thought was super cool.

We struck up a pretty heavy conversation for at least 3 quarters of the flight duration, which was, three hours if I am not wrong. I found out that he was returning home from a spiritual retreat- he was a hippie-yoga master type- and I really wouldn't have expected him to have such good ideas and values. But he did, and you'll see why.

I learned some really valuable lessons and tips and tricks from him, and soon he earned a place in the ranks of people I admire.

I am no disciple or anything, but I thought it would be cool to note them down and share his wisdom to the world. So here it goes:

1. Don't carry a gun in your underwear.
2. Buy an e-reader and place it under the left front tyre of your car so that it can read what humanity has been upto for the past 300,000 years.
3. Insert an USB Drive through the slit behind your ears to increase your memory span.
4. Smell a putrid smell? See a slim, gaunt and shadow-ey figure in your kitchen? Run. Don't look back. Get on your bicycle and pedal away. Far away.
5. Don't listen to music while you're driving. Pay attention to the road and your screaming wife.
6. Take eyedrops with your eyes slightly open but not so much that your dirty soul can escape.
7. If you ever get arrested, then tell them a good story about your innocence. Make them laugh, would ya? Make them smile and forget the pain they have been through since they've been into the police force. Give them a chance to kick you and beat you in your cell and be mirthful again.
8. Remember that you're from the future. You've already seen what happens. So why bother worrying?
9. Go to the gym four times a week for the rest of your life. If everything goes well, they'll call you for an interview for the job up at the mountains. You'll have to leave everything behind for that job, which you will, and settle up there. You'll find more gym equipment than ever, more supplements and better looking women. But you can't miss a single gym day. That's the deal.
10. Don't let Daniel Bergman into your house. I repeat, don't let Daniel Bergman into your house!
11. Look into the mirror and smile. If you see a fat, grumpy looking pig, then there's nothing to worry about. The real problem is if you see a human.
12. Promise me that you'll never leave me at the airport.
13. You'll never die. If you do, you can always press "Restart from Checkpoint." And you'll be back again at the save point.

If you're reading this, Mr. Case, sir, then I want to tell you that I am really grateful to have met you on the flight. I really hope you'd come alive someday and take me away from this rotten place. I don't want to be here anymore. Please. Take me. Take me. No more, sir. You're my only savior. Please. I am so done here.